Lead Me Into Denial
by ravenhaired
Summary: Elaida's suspicions are aroused when her lover begins spending an unnecessary amount of time with Siuan Sanche. Companion Piece to Innloine's 'Couldn't Love You More.'


_**Lead Me into Denial**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time.**_

_**For Marie**_

* * *

Elaida pushed the tip of the quill into her mouth, her eyes scanning the parchment, as she listened to the distant chime of a clock, signalling the passing of another hour. She frowned, rubbing her hand against her cheek, trying hard not to think about anything other than the numbers before her. She had been working too long, Feraine Nymoras slim, elegant handwriting was becoming snakish, twisting this way and that on the page until the ink seemed to be dancing.

Slowly, she pushed away from the desk, taking a long breath. The evening was gone, as she had hoped. And Eirana was not back from the 'errand'. She pressed the rim of a half-full cup of wine to her mouth, not sipping, staring distractedly across the room, to the window, where the drapes were shut.

If _this_ was love...Elaida didn't think much of it.

A knocking interrupted her thoughts. She stretched, walking to the door. It would be Eirana back, full of apologies for her lateness...

But it wasn't. At first, Elaida thought there was no one at the door and she got a chill of unease as she stared out into the empty air. Then she looked down at Moiraine Damodred, short even for a Cairhienin. Her hand clenched around the doorframe, as she stared down at the newly raised Blue. Moiraine's calm dark eyes stared back. Moiraine was certainly beautiful, slim and delicate. Elaida suddenly felt too tall.

"Moiraine," She said slowly, "I'm surprised to see you, Acc - sister,"

"Yes. Blues aren't exactly welcome in the Red Ajah, no?" Moiraine smiled, though her voice was pensive. "May I come in?"

"Certainly," Elaida stepped back, letting the smaller woman enter. She shut the door, thinking, oddly, she thought, that it was the first time anyone of the Blue Ajah had ever been in her apartments. Moiraine walked to the centre of the room and stood awkwardly, glancing down at the paper, with the quill tossed down on top of it. "May I -" Elaida licked dry lips. "May I get you something to drink? Tea? Something stronger?" She smiled to show she was joking but Moiraine didn't seem to notice or care.

"No...I'm fine, thank you," She replied softly.

"Yes..." Elaida said, smoothing her dress. She realised what she was doing and stilled her hands.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here,"

"Well...yes," Elaida said. "I...we've never been exactly friendly,"

Moiraine turned to face Elaida and the Red sister was shocked to see worry crease Moiraine's brow. "It's Siuan,"

"Siuan Sanche?" Elaida asked unnecessarily. She knew perfectly well who Siuan was.

"Yes," Moiraine chewed her lower lip, taking a seat unbidden. Elaida took the seat at the desk, waiting patiently. As long as _she_ did not have to think of a topic to talk about..."She's been...funny,"

"Funny?"

"Secretive, disappearing off by herself...Siuan's not terribly good at keeping a secret, you know," Elaida didn't. "She keeps saying she's working for that sister who hooked her as soon as she was raised...but I seen Cetalia out when Siuan says she's working for her and Myrelle told me that Cetalia never leaves anyone alone in her rooms. Cetalia confirmed herself she asks Siuan to do no more than six hours a day," Moiraine stared imploringly at Elaida. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think so,"

"I think Siuan is..." Moiraine trailed off.

"Having an affair?" Elaida stared at a place above Moiraine's head, her words echoing in her own head. That was what Elaida had not allowed herself to think about, that unspoken fear. Eirana...with someone else. And now...poor Moiraine. She smiled sympathetically. "What do you want me to do?"

"Tell me she's not having one, I suppose," Moiraine smiled gloomily. "I want your...advice,"

"Mine?" Elaida was shocked. "Why _me_, of all people?"

"Well, I can't very well go to Merean - whom I would usually go to with my problems - can I?" Moiraine said with a hint of impatience. "I'm no longer an Accepted...and I can't talk about it with any of the Blues," A flush stained her cheeks.

"They don't know, do they?" Elaida asked, surprised. "The Blues?"

"Oh, they suspect but it's supposed to stop with the shawl...but you _know_ it doesn't, don't you?" Moiraine eyes were suddenly intense. "You're...like me, aren't you, Elaida?"

"Yes..."

Moiraine nodded, satisfied, smoothing her gown. "I thought so. That's why I came to you. Anaiya or Myrelle would tell me to end it, it was nothing but a childish infatuation and Aes Sedai should move beyond such things. But you...wouldn't. You know that sometimes pillow friends are lovers,"

"Yes," Elaida's voice was very, very quiet, considering.

"So tell me; what do you think?"

"I don't know," Elaida confessed, irritated at herself when Moiraine's face darkened. "I would ask her,"

"I have,"

Elaida's eyebrows rose. "And?"

"She denied it, of course,"

"Of course..." Elaida frowned.

"She's been getting letters - letters that she won't let me read and I can't find after she gets them," She smiled, embarrassed. "I've looked for them,"

"Oh," Elaida shifted uncomfortably, under Moiraine's gaze. "I don't know what to say to help,"

"Hasn't it ever happened to you?" 'Yes' was on her tongue, before Moiraine spoke again, cutting her off. "I'm sorry – you don't need to answer. It's just, frustrating, yes?"

"Of course," Elaida agreed mildly, unwilling to go into it now Moiraine had said she didn't need to.

There was a silence, were Moiraine studied her hands, chewing her lower lip. "I'm sorry to have troubled you…no doubt you were preparing for bed," She stood up, moving towards the door.

Elaida didn't move. "Tell me; is Siuan gone now?"

Moiraine paused, turning from the door. "Yes – I don't know were she is,"

"I see. Goodnight, Moiraine,"

"Goodnight,"

* * *

Eirana returned much later – the clock was striking two. Elaida had her back to her, curled up in bed, as the smaller woman undressed and slid into bed beside her, wrapping her arms about Elaida from behind. She smelt like wine and something Elaida couldn't quite identify.

"Are you asleep?"

"Almost," Elaida said shortly, irritated.

"Did I wake you?" Eirana giggled softly, kissing down on Elaida's ear. She slid one thigh between Elaida's.

"Where were you today?"

The rubbing started, Eirana deftly sliding her thigh in and out of Elaida's, her right hand creeping near Elaida's breasts. "Oh, that hardly matters," Eirana whispered, tongue darting out to touch Elaida's ear.

"But I want to know,"

"A minor thing – trivial,"

"But I want – stop it, Eirana," Elaida's voice went cold, rolling out of the other woman's grip.

Eirana propped herself up on her elbow, annoyed. "I told you it was nothing,"

"But why won't you tell me what it is?"

"Because –" Eirana bit off angrily, then in a calmer voice. "Because it doesn't matter,"

"So tell me,"

Eirana sighed slowly. "Why don't you trust me?"

Elaida was silent for a moment, "I don't know,"

Elaida opened the door to her apartments and was greeted with a curious sight. Eirana leapt from where she had been sitting. "Elaida," She said, high-pitched, glancing at Siuan Sanche who sat opposite, and was folding her hands in her lap.

Elaida paused, glancing between the too of them, hand frozen in the act of unbuttoning her cloak. "What - ?"

"Do you know Siuan Sanche?" Eirana gestured briefly toward Siuan, who gave Elaida a strained smile.

"Of course," Elaida stared down at Siuan. "Am I intruding?"

There was an abrupt silence, as the two Aes Sedai glanced at each other, scrupulously looking for a way to avoid the first oath.

Slowly, Elaida's eyebrows rose.

"I thought you wouldn't be home until later," Eirana said eventually.

"Karenia didn't need as much help as I had thought," Elaida slowly undid her cloak. "What were you doing?"

"Talking," Eirana broke in, as though afraid Siuan might say something different.

"I see. I didn't know you too were friendly," Elaida was aware of how cold her voice had become.

Eirana noticed. "Well, I taught Siuan a few years back,"

"Oh," Elaida said shortly, "Well, don't let me interrupt you,"

Elaida pottered about the room, listening to snatches of strained conversation between her lower and Moiraine's lover, sorting through papers and reading before eventually tiring of the awkward glances and abrupt silences. She left the two of them alone, throwing herself into a chair in the adjoining room.

She soon heard Siuan leave and Eirana come to her, standing in the doorway. "I know what you're going to say,"

"Do you?" Elaida didn't look at her; kept her gaze fixed squarely on the wall.

"Mm," Eirana knelt in front of her, kissed her hand gently. "What I have with Siuan is not what I have with you,"

"And what do you have with her?" Elaida hated how her eyes had blurred with tears.

"Friendship," Eirana smiled, as though that was all it took to convince Elaida she had nothing to worry about.

"How wonderful adept you are at word games," Elaida said acidly.

"It's true," Eirana said soothingly. "Siuan means nothing,"

Elaida licked her lips. "I had a visit from Moiraine Damodred yesterday,"

Eirana's face stilled. "Oh?"

"She's afraid Siuan is having an affair,"

Eirana laughed. "Aren't they Blues? They should be off bonding their Warders instead of worrying about each other – you know how it is with newly raised Aes Sedai. It'll fizzle out within a month,"

"Ours didn't,"

"Yes, but we're _Red_ , aren't we?" Eirana leaned her head against Elaida's knee. "Reds are completely different from Blues,"

"Mm,"

"Besides, you know I'm yours," Eirana smiled.

* * *

Elaida had returned early again. This time, the room was empty, Siuan's cloak thrown over the back of a chair.

Elaida took a long, long breath, preparing herself for what was behind the door that muffled the giggles and moans. Slowly, she pushed it open and took half a step inside. The two women occupying the bed did not notice.

Elaida pressed one hand to the foot stand, staring at the scene that confronted her, still unnoticed.

Eirana -_her_ Eirana – was crouched over Siuan Sanche, who was face-down in the pillows. Eirana was kissing along Siuan's shoulder, a _sa'sarn_'s straps clearly buckled about her buttocks.

Elaida could not contain the moan of agony that crept into her throat.

Eirana heard. Her head whipped around and her eyes widened in shock. "Elaida…" She looked down at Siuan.

Siuan muttered into the pillows, "You know I don't like you saying her name…"

"I…I…Elaida, love, I didn't…" Eirana rolled off the younger woman.

Elaida stared at the _sa'sarn_, seeing Siuan's liquid glisten on it, then turned and stalked out of the bedroom, staring silently around the walls in the sitting room, feeling oddly cold. Eirana followed hurriedly, naked, fumbling with the _sa'sarn_'s buckles. Siuan followed bleakly, a sheet wrapped around her body.

Eirana caught Elaida's hands and brushed her lips along her fingers. "Please, Elaida, I didn't mean to…"

"Mean to sleep with her?" Elaida regarded Siuan coolly, who leaned against the doorframe "Are you an animal?"

Eirana made a choking sound. "Elaida – Ellie –"

"Don't call me that," Elaida's voice was icy. "Was I not devoted enough? Did I not show you enough affection? Or was my love not enough? What was it that drove you to someone else's arms?"

"I…wanted her, Elaida. I can't control lust," Eirana said weakly.

"Cant – control – lust?" Elaida bit off each word. "Burn you, Eirana, burn you – can't you control yourself the way you once controlled me?"

Eirana stared helplessly.

"You were jealous of everyone! You threatened people to keep their distance and now you do…this," Elaida tossed a hand towards Siuan. "After that speech you gave yesterday, burn you,"

"That speech was true!" Eirana's voice rose with desperation.

"She means nothing to you?"

"That's not what you said –" Siuan broke in, silenced as Elaida spun to face the younger woman.

"Then do tell me Siuan Sanche; what did she say to you?"

"That…she loved me,"

A nasty, nasty coldness settled on Elaida. "Did you say that, Eirana?"

"Well…not exactly…"

"You did!" Siuan was accusing now, glaring at Eirana.

"There's only one way to say 'I love you'," Elaida said flatly.

Eirana looked perplexed. "Well…maybe I did," Elaida stared at her and Eirana shifted uncomfortably, as though Elaida's look was burning her skin. "I wanted both of you –"

Such wild fury engulfed Elaida that she had done it before she realised what the consequences would be.

Elaida flung a weave of saidar at Eirana, so she hit with wall, her head rebounding, hitting twice with a 'thunk'. She slid limply to the ground.

"Do you still?" Elaida replied coldly.

Eirana didn't move. Siuan had one hand pressed to her mouth, staring at Eirana's limp form, whose head had slid forward, a fine bead of blood staining down her cheek from her hairline.

Elaida went colder.

Slowly, Siuan knelt by her, pressing her fingers to Eirana's neck. She drew back, horrified. "You killed her," She said in a whisper.

Elaida stood silent, licking dry lips and trying to still the shaking in her limbs.

"You killed her!" Siuan spun towards Elaida, her eyes widened in dismay. "Light, they'll have _you_ killed for this,"

"Not if you don't tell them," Elaida said weakly.

"And why wouldn't I do that?" Siuan was twitching wildly.

"Because…Moiraine…"

"She'll forgive me," Siuan said callously. "Forgive and forget," She turned, towards the bedroom, to get dressed.

Elaida went after her.

"Are you going to tell?"

"Of course," Siuan said shortly, not looking around. "I'm going straight to the Amyrlin,"

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that,"

Siuan did not see Elaida push her forwards onto the bed – only felt the loss of i saidar /i as she was shielded.

Had it been another situation, Siuan might have won the struggle. It did not seem to matter how much strength it took to keep Siuan face down on the bed, as she had been only minutes earlier with Eirana, as long as she was. Elaida knelt on top of the younger woman, ignoring the scratches to her face, her own hands firmly placed at the back of Siuan's skull, as the struggling lessened and eventually Siuan lay still.

Elaida turned the body over, looking down into Siuan's face, which was twisted in shock. Elaida closed her eyes, finding it unseemly for a corpse to have its eyes open.

Adrenalin pumped through her body, her breath coming out in short, ragged gasps. She felt as though she could kill again.

It was only after minutes of giggling insanely at her deeds, that the elation wore off and weights began to settle in her stomach.

* * *

Moiraine Damodred was shocked to open the door to a trembling Elaida. "Elaida – " Moiraine made a soft 'oof' sound as Elaida slumped into her arms, clinging to the smaller woman. "Elaida, what - ?" She shut the door awkwardly, with her foot.

"I've done it – I've done it – they're going to still me or execute me or –"

Moiraine held the taller woman's shaking body close to her, gently stroking back her hair in what she hoped was a comforting gesture. "What have you done?"

"I killed them," Elaida's voice was weak with disbelief. "I killed them both,"

Moiraine went stiff, all the breath squeezing out of her in one whoosh. "Killed who?"

"Eirana and Siuan,"

Moiraine jerked back, putting her hands on Elaida's shoulders to keep a distance between them. "What?" _Siuan – dead, killed by Elaida's hand… _

"I found them…together,"

"Together?"

"In bed,"

Moiraine bit back her own cry of dismay. She had hoped, prayed even, that her suspicions were unfounded. Yet Elaida was crying now, great sobs that shook her body. Moiraine felt pity. "Shush," Gently, she pulled Elaida close again, stroking the back of her neck. "Shush – perhaps if you appeal to the Amyrlin – "

"She won't execute me?" Ill humour laced her voice, through the weak moans of pain. "It is Sierin Vayu not Tamra Ospenya – maybe, _maybe_, Tamra would have been lenient… Gitara did the same thing to her not too long ago, after all,"

"Mm," Moiraine felt Elaida relax into her embrace. They stood for a moment, before Elaida pulled back, cheeks tear-stained.

Moiraine kissed Elaida lightly on the side of the mouth, surprised when the tearful woman wrapped her arms about the smaller woman, kissing back frantically and urgently.

"Elaida, I – "

Elaida ignored whatever pleas Moiraine made, kissing along her collar bone and then at the base of her neck. Then Moiraine began to cry too, wrapping her arms about Elaida's neck, biting the other woman's lip.

Gently, Elaida tugged Moiraine in the direction of the bedroom.

* * *

Elaida's eyes flew wide in the darkness, as panic seized her for a reason she was yet to remember. For a moment, she sat upright, sweat pricking on her brow and her back, chest heaving, as Moiraine Damodred stirred beside her.

Then she remembered.

Tremors shook her body as Moiraine's warm, comforting arms wrapped about her, urging her downwards, back under the sheets. "Shush…don't cry," Moiraine's thumb brushed away the wetness on her cheeks. "Please don't cry,"

Such pleading was useless. Elaida felt herself crumple into Moiraine's embrace, clutch at the smaller woman's arms, as thought trying to draw comfort from Moiraine's very marrow.

Moiraine was shaking too, great gasping sobs. "What am I going to do?" Elaida whispered into Moiraine's ear, her voice weak and hollow.

"I have an idea," Moiraine said slowly.

"Oh?" Elaida's voice had increased with urgency.

"Its not very noble,"

"Nothing I have done is noble,"

Moiraine managed a smile. "We…get rid of the evidence,"

"What?" Elaida lay still beside Moiraine. "But – but they're Aes Sedai…you can't kill an Aes Sedai as you would an ordinary person…"

"No, listen – we make the bed, clean up the room so as if it never happened – then we get rid of the bodies,"

"Get rid of the bodies?"

"Yes – I don't know, throw them over the bridge. Simple, yes? We simply don't know where they are – which is true, in a sense, as who knows were the bodies will wash up? Then when they do wash up, people will assume they were murdered in the city – we'll be given sympathy and what-not and no one will think to ask us questions about things we simply do not know of – or in fear of upsetting us,"

"You're a devious little thing,"

"I'm Carhienin," Moiraine replied brusquely, trying hard not to think of Siuan. "I do what must be done,"

* * *

_**The End**_


End file.
